In the post office a middle-aged, balding man stands at the counter and methodically sticks `Love` stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a bottle of perfume and sprays scent all over the envelopes. When asked what he is doing the man says: - I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed `Guess who?` - But why? - I`m a divorce lawyer.
- I don't like going to weddings. My grandmother always tells me, "You're next." - Mine stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
- A baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. - Incredible! Whose baby? - An elephant's.
A man is talking to God. - God, how long is a million years? - To me, it's about a minute. - God, how much is a million dollars? - To me it's a penny. - God, may I have a penny? - Wait a minute.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.